Diet pills, according to late night info-hell, are the popular choice for the crass consumer market! According to these informational ads that are about as informational as the new trainee at the cheesecake factory, claim you will shed disgusting fat instantly. Suddenly many people are noticing they are shedding all sorts of disgusting things, fat maybe one possibility.

There seems to be 2 types of fat loss systems that are very popular right now. The Shart diet and the Crackwhore diet. There is also the I am a star, I can’t tell you who my doctor/dealer is but I can eat and drink anything but causes me to act like an assbag douche-nozzel diet.

The most popular is the Shart diet. Many supplements out there are touting how eating is the problem. They have spent many scientific hours finding a way to lube your entire digestive system with Assoline so that none of those horrid ugly nutrients could be absorbed. Since this was truly a horrible idea they decided to spend all the net earnings on marketing and small print that mentions what they call “Unsavory” side effects like anal seepage. Saying that obliviously shitting yourself is an unsavory side effect is like saying Hiroshima is known for its infamous 40’s style cocktail barbecue party. Sharting is where you fart but accidentally shit yourself. Often you know you shart yourself when the smell lingers more so then a regular fart. Sometimes your coworkers mention the sewage perfume you are wearing or you notice the excessive wetness and the cold weather tells you it isn’t sweat. I don’t know if sharting yourself consistently is worth being skinny. Not even Brad Pitt can pull off the shit your pants seduction. No matter how skinny you are or how amazing you suddenly look, you will always be known as the Shit-Pants weirdo people avoid at all costs. Does the poop diet even work very well? I mean if it did then beer drinking rednecks who have the diet of Wafflehouse cheese steaks/Truckstop Specials wouldn’t need so much flannel camouflage in order to hide their massive gut. It is possible they are only second to Eastern Indians and truckers for pooping in abundance.

There is another diet that is the no eat no poop diet. Otherwise known as the Crackwhore diet. Since it is pretty impossible to not eat you must take supplementation to make food and everything in general unappetizing. After several weeks it will kill others appetite to stand the very sight and smell of you. Often these supplements come from many distant countries or someones basement making these dietary supplements more expensive. You have to realize that you’re a fat ass and nobody likes a fat ass so if you can’t afford it then steal from those around you. Besides if the cops come and try to stop you …. just shit your pants.

Brought to you by a drug free but sugar induced caffeinated alcoholic America.

-Miss Tress