Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Diet pills, according to late night info-hell, are the popular choice for the crass consumer market! According to these informational ads that are about as informational as the new trainee at the cheesecake factory, claim you will shed disgusting fat instantly. Suddenly many people are noticing they are shedding all sorts of disgusting things, fat maybe one possibility.
There seems to be 2 types of fat loss systems that are very popular right now. The Shart diet and the Crackwhore diet. There is also the I am a star, I can’t tell you who my doctor/dealer is but I can eat and drink anything but causes me to act like an assbag douche-nozzel diet.
The most popular is the Shart diet. Many supplements out there are touting how eating is the problem. They have spent many scientific hours finding a way to lube your entire digestive system with Assoline so that none of those horrid ugly nutrients could be absorbed. Since this was truly a horrible idea they decided to spend all the net earnings on marketing and small print that mentions what they call “Unsavory” side effects like anal seepage. Saying that obliviously shitting yourself is an unsavory side effect is like saying Hiroshima is known for its infamous 40’s style cocktail barbecue party. Sharting is where you fart but accidentally shit yourself. Often you know you shart yourself when the smell lingers more so then a regular fart. Sometimes your coworkers mention the sewage perfume you are wearing or you notice the excessive wetness and the cold weather tells you it isn’t sweat. I don’t know if sharting yourself consistently is worth being skinny. Not even Brad Pitt can pull off the shit your pants seduction. No matter how skinny you are or how amazing you suddenly look, you will always be known as the Shit-Pants weirdo people avoid at all costs. Does the poop diet even work very well? I mean if it did then beer drinking rednecks who have the diet of Wafflehouse cheese steaks/Truckstop Specials wouldn’t need so much flannel camouflage in order to hide their massive gut. It is possible they are only second to Eastern Indians and truckers for pooping in abundance.
There is another diet that is the no eat no poop diet. Otherwise known as the Crackwhore diet. Since it is pretty impossible to not eat you must take supplementation to make food and everything in general unappetizing. After several weeks it will kill others appetite to stand the very sight and smell of you. Often these supplements come from many distant countries or someones basement making these dietary supplements more expensive. You have to realize that you’re a fat ass and nobody likes a fat ass so if you can’t afford it then steal from those around you. Besides if the cops come and try to stop you …. just shit your pants.
Brought to you by a drug free but sugar induced caffeinated alcoholic America.
-Miss Tress
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
What is Emo? Well to answer that question I had to take a hard hitting look at Emo. Unfortunately no matter how much meth and gay energy drinks I consume I will never be able to read all Emo related material on the net.
What is Emo you ask? The Etymology of Emo comes from the Latin derivative of “mo” which translates to retard. After much cultural use of the word it socially refers to
Emo-tional Pussy. To truly gauge how this all came about we must delve deep into how it came to be “VH1 Behind the shitty music” style!
If Emo were a child, it would be the bastard child of a Punky Rockabilly ass-raping a
skater with a beetles haircut then getting adopted by a manic depressive goth.
Emo has a sad desperate story to tell but we really don’t care. Not as cool as skater,
as angry as goth, as melodic as a rocker, as fierce as punk or as creative as bohemian
Emos make their niche on having all of none of the good qualities of any alternative group.
Just Cause you don’t know the difference between Bisexual and Bipolar doesn’t make you Emo Often found on youtube having manic breakdowns or in hottopic using their suburban parents credit card, they are usually in their room making a vlog no one watches or cares about. Mostly they like listening to shitty music, writing on live journal or taking more myspace angle webcam shots of themselves. Emos are noted to lash out emotionally on online forums or having dramatic episodes when they see how beautiful plastic bags are floating in the wind.
Emos usually are the butt of many jokes. They are not only easy to make fun of but it makes their easy upper-middle class lifestyle seem more miserable and gets them more attention. Hunting the Emo is a bad idea as they survive so many fake suicides that they have become immune to cutting and self deprecation.
Never confuse Emu and Emo though they tend to have the same hairstyle!Sometimes Emo is Identified by a certain styling of music. Some music is horrible but some seems like it could be good if it didn’t have over repetitive sound riffs and
comically depressing lyrics. An example would be “the jello in my heart you reduced to coolaid” makes the music almost like a bad 80’s sitcom.
Emos are like the ballads of 80s hair-bands in which they are memorable, easy to make fun of but nostalgically no one wants to admit to later in life. If Goth were an alcoho,l Emo would be the Zima that gets fat girls drunk and horney. If Emo were punk, it would be Punk Lite in that it would be none of the flavor nor the calories but just the irritable disposition and weird punk smell.
-Miss Tress
To find certain types of Emo’s check out Vinny the shirtless dude’s Emo Gallery!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I hate being molested by ads over and over. If you are going smack me around with your ad, at least have the balls to be creative. I have designed a few ads that at least allow for some chuckling and reach around action.
-Miss Tress
Google AdSense does not always make sense. I was reading one of my favorite blogs. This unique blog, rather this particular entry, is nothing more than the author catching his readers up on recent events in his life. The first part of the blog is just about his birthday and so on. So I’m reading the blog and happen to look over at the AdSense and see this ad entitled ‘Buy Abortion Apparel’. Oh, I get it. Its perfectly obvious how a blogger’s humerus blog about his birthday is relevant to abortion apparel. What exactly is ‘abortion apparel’ anyways?
-Vinny the shirtless dude
Abortion apparel? Whom is this apparel supposedly for the mother or the fetus? I suppose the fetus having Jerry Falwell Sunday best on won’t seem so offensive to the religious rite. Maybe it is for the mother! Now you can have apparel other then shame and bipolar disorder. Nothing says I am not a whore like a pair of capri-fat pants.
-Miss Tress
Funny Comments for Myspace: What they should say.
There is nothing more fake and generic then Myspace comments. Now you can’t trip without being sodomized by comments by people you don’t even know. Some of them I am not sure if they are human or just bots sent to destroy the last piece of humanity we have left. Luckily you can go to some sites and make your own graphics if that is you are too cheap to buy graphics software or to lazy to rip off graphics software. I have gone to some of these sites to try them out. I have also created some of my own funny comments. These are what comments would say if people designing them had enough balls to be honest!
- Miss Tress
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